i don't know anymore

I don't know why I'm writing for me day right now after arguing. But I have to get this out. I'm sorry if I sound like a bitch to you when we had that conversation, Linda, but I just need to make this clear.

You only see the outside, as cliche as that sounds. But it is like that. People are friendly to me, okay, a small amount of people, friends I've made mostly by chance. But I don't call them close, they are acquaintances. I am not always surrounding by groups. The only time I am walking or with more than one person is after my last class when everyone really just wants to rest and talk and be lazy and not move.

I don't talk to many people. I try to, trust me, I do. Even the off beat kinds of kids and I can't make conversation because I am not quirky enough to be cool. The others don't bother. This isn't a sobsobohmylifesucks story or whatever. I just don't want you to think this about me. I'm going to sound like insensitive bitch, but I don't care if people "they like you better anyhow." To me, to like me better how, is when someone talks to me because we're close, not because "oh-look-there's-Natalie-there's-no-one-else-so-let's-talk-to-her." It's happened. Someone starts a conversation, I carry it, they leave when they see someone better to talk to. Nicer people, for example, Karen, come back to me to finish the conversation, but she's one in a million.

So I don't know what to tell you.

And I'm going to against what I just said and respond to "you're always in a group/ means people are attracted to you." Whenever I see you, you're never alone. So I guess, this goes for you too. Contradicting what you said about Mavi and all that stuff.

My problem is that I'm a talkative person. It's my nature, I get it from my mom and dad. I will try to talk to anyone, even if that means attaching myself to a group and forcing myself into the conversation. It doesn't mean I'm close to them.

I guess what I'm saying is that I miss you guys. Hope you guys are having a good time in class and home and stuff.

love always,
nat
(Friday)